Feast your eyes on these holy tatas!

Unless you're really into obscure Catholic saints, you may not realize that today, February 5, is the Feast Day for Saint Agatha. We first discovered St. Agatha in her very own cathedral in the gothic quarter of Barcelona. In a typical portrait of the poor saint, she was looking rather calm and lovely while holding her two breasts upon a platter. This aroused my curiosity. Who was this coy lady? Had she chopped these off herself or had the ill deed been done to her? Was the delightful presentation on the platter a predecessor to our modern-day Hooters? If priests wanted to see some boobs, wouldn't a copy of Playboy sufficed? I have searched and found answers.

A young Sicilian hottie from the 3rd century, St. Agatha consecrated her virginity to God and God alone. This pissed off a local named Quintanius, who wanted to get in her pants. But try as he might, he could not win her over. So instead he had her breasts cut off. Talk about a sore loser! Agatha cooly responded to this unsavory treatment by saying, "Are you not ashamed to cut off from a woman that with which yourmothers suckled you?" Take that, Quintanius! St. Peter kindly showed up with some celestial ointment and restored Agatha's chest to its former state, but her suitor still wasn't happy. He had her dragged over hot coals. God responded to this with an earthquake during which Quintanius, the entire town, and an imprisoned Agatha all perished.

The adventures don't stop there. When a volcano threatened her hometown of Catania, villagers waved her veil and thereby averted certain disaster. Other Agatha relics in the Catholic Church's possession, according to the book "Lucy's Eyes and Margaret's Dragon: the Lives of the Virgin Saints," include no fewer than six breasts. Me suspects some mightly foul play on second base! Surely there are some boobless saintettes out there who'd like some credit for their noble sacrifices! But noooo, it's all about Agatha.

Sadly, we are not in Agatha's home town of Catania, Sicily, where the past three days have been one raucous boobfest. I did however notice, in the bakery where I went to buy bread yesterday, some rather shapely pastries which may have been Nipples of the Virgin. According to this Web site: "the minni di virgini, or Nipples of the Virgin, a custards filled pastry shaped like a woman's breast and topped with an aroused cherry nipple." I'm hoping there are some day-old leftovers for us tomorrow, as the bakeries are closed today.

Agatha today is recognized as the Patroness against earthquakes, volcanoes, fires and breast disease. We visited St. Agatha's church in hope of finding some sort of celebration, but it was all closed up. All there was to honor the poor gal was this sign which I snapped a photo of.

--JENN